The Invisible Blueprint: Why Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Relationships in Calgary
Imagine a couple walking along the Bow River path in Inglewood. On the surface, everything seems fine, but an invisible current of tension flows between them. One partner yearns for more connection, feeling a constant hum of anxiety about their bond. The other feels an inexplicable urge to pull away, craving space and independence. This is the silent, often painful dance of insecure attachment—a pattern playing out in homes across Calgary, from Altadore to Arbour Lake.
If this dynamic feels familiar, you are not alone. This push-pull is often the result of two different attachment styles colliding: the anxious and the avoidant. Understanding the anxious attachment vs avoidant attachment dynamic is the first, most crucial step toward healing.
Attachment theory, first developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, proposes that our need for deep emotional bonds is a fundamental, biological drive that characterizes human experience “from the cradle to the grave”. It’s not a weakness or a choice; it’s a survival instinct. Bowlby argued that, throughout human evolution, infants who maintained proximity to a caregiver were more likely to survive. This powerful, innate system doesn’t disappear in adulthood; it simply transfers to our romantic partners.
This guide, drawing on decades of research from leading institutions like Harvard, Yale, and Cornell, will demystify these patterns. We’ll explore why you or your partner might feel, think, and act the way you do in relationships and offer a compassionate roadmap for Calgarians seeking healthier, more secure connections.
What is Attachment Theory and Why It Matters: A Legacy of Ivy League Research
Attachment theory isn’t just a pop-psychology trend; it’s a robust scientific framework that has been studied for over 70 years. It began with John Bowlby and was empirically validated by his colleague Mary Ainsworth through her groundbreaking “Strange Situation” experiments. In these studies, researchers observed how infants responded to being separated from and reunited with their caregivers. They discovered distinct, predictable patterns:
- Secure Attachment: The child is distressed when the caregiver leaves but is easily soothed upon their return, quickly resuming exploration.
- Anxious-Resistant Attachment: The child is intensely distressed by separation and remains upset, resisting comfort upon reunion.
- Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: The child shows little distress at separation and actively avoids the caregiver upon their return.
Ainsworth’s work demonstrated that these weren’t random behaviours but organized strategies for managing distress. The true revolution for adults came in 1987, when researchers
Cindy Hazan of Cornell University and Phillip Shaver published a landmark paper, “(https://www2.psych.ubc.ca/~schaller/Psyc591Readings/HazanShaver1987.pdf),” applying these same principles to adult romantic relationships. They found that the bonds between romantic partners function in the same way as the infant-caregiver bond: we turn to our partners for safety and security.
“When an individual is confident that an attachment figure will be available to him whenever he desires it, that person will be much less prone to either intense or chronic fear than will an individual who for any reason has no such confidence.” – John Bowlby
These early experiences shape our “internal working models”—a set of core beliefs about ourselves and others that acts as a blueprint for future relationships. A
2019 study involving Princeton University researchers found that these models, or “secure base scripts,” are formed through recurring interactions and influence later behaviour. Modern neuroscience confirms this, with research from
Harvard Medical School and Yale University showing how early experiences physically shape the brain’s development and neural responses. In fact, a
2021 Yale study used ERPs (event related potentials) to show a direct link between a mother’s own adult attachment style and her brain’s neural response to her infant’s cues, demonstrating how deeply these patterns are wired.
The stakes are high. A Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital conference summary notes, “(https://cmecatalog.hms.harvard.edu/attachment-personality-psychotherapy) that individuals who lack secure attachment are at higher risk of developing a mental disorder”. Understanding your style is the first step toward building what psychologists call “earned security.”
Defining Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Being Left Behind
For individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, relationships often feel like a source of both intense desire and profound anxiety. It is one of the insecure attachment styles in relationships that affects a significant portion of the population; research from Cornell University suggests approximately 40% of people have an insecure attachment style of some kind.
Traits and Internal Experience
Anxiously attached individuals live with a persistent, underlying fear of abandonment and rejection. They often hold a positive view of others but a negative view of themselves, leading to low self-esteem and a core belief that they are fundamentally unworthy of love. This creates an intense need for external validation and constant reassurance from a partner to feel safe and loved.
Their attachment system is “super sensitive,” meaning they are hypervigilant to any potential threat to the relationship. A partner being quiet, a delayed text message, or a request for a night alone can trigger a wave of anxiety and catastrophic thinking. A 2025 study highlighted by Brown University found that women with anxious attachment are more likely to experience “depression spillover,” where their own depressive symptoms increase when their partner shows signs of depression, demonstrating this high degree of emotional sensitivity.
The Roots of Anxious Attachment
This style typically develops from a childhood with inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving. The caregiver may have been loving and responsive one moment, but emotionally distant, preoccupied, or dismissive the next. This inconsistency leaves the child confused, never knowing which version of the parent they will get. They learn that they must amplify their needs to cry louder, cling tighter, to get attention, but even then, comfort is not guaranteed.
Tragically, this pattern has deep roots in early adversity. A major longitudinal study from Harvard University followed individuals for over 30 years and found that childhood neglect and physical abuse were significant predictors of developing an anxious attachment style in adulthood. The same study found that this anxious attachment then served as a direct pathway to later life depression and anxiety, showing how these early wounds continue to impact well-being decades later.
Defining Avoidant Attachment: The Need for Independence
On the other side of the anxious attachment vs avoidant attachment spectrum is the dismissive-avoidant style. While often perceived as cold or uninterested in relationships, the reality is far more complex. Their independence is a highly developed shield protecting a deep seated fear of vulnerability.
Traits and Internal Experience
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style are characterized by a strong discomfort with emotional intimacy and closeness. They prize independence and self reliance, often believing that relying on others is a sign of weakness. They have learned to suppress their own emotions and needs, and can appear aloof, distant, or emotionally unavailable to their partners.
While they may seem confident and self-sufficient and are often successful in their careers, their relationships tend to remain on a surface level. They let people be around them, but not in them. A 2025 study mentioned by Brown University found that people with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to choose to be childfree, a decision that aligns with the core value of maintaining autonomy and avoiding dependency. This pattern doesn’t just affect romance; research from the University of Pennsylvania suggests that negative parental practices that foster avoidance can even be linked to aggression later in life.
The Roots of Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment often stems from a childhood where the caregiver was consistently emotionally unavailable, distant, or rejecting. When the child expressed a need for comfort or closeness, they may have been met with indifference or even anger. They were often discouraged from showing emotion and taught to be “tough” and independent from a very young age.
The child learns a painful but adaptive lesson: “My needs for connection will not be met, and seeking comfort only leads to rejection. It is safer to rely only on myself.” They effectively turn down the volume on their attachment system to protect themselves from further disappointment. Research from Yale University confirms that an insecure attachment style is characterized by an inability to form meaningful relationships with others, a direct consequence of these early experiences.
Table 1: Anxious vs. Avoidant
Feature | Anxious-Preoccupied Style | Dismissive-Avoidant Style |
Core Fear | Abandonment & Rejection | Engulfment & Loss of Independence |
Primary Need | Closeness, Reassurance, Validation | Space, Autonomy, Self-Reliance |
View of Self | Negative (“I am not worthy of love.”) | Positive (“I am self-sufficient.”) |
View of Partner | Positive / Idealized (“You can save me.”) | Negative / Critical (“You are too needy.”) |
Behavior Under Stress | Pursues, Clings, “Protest Behavior” | Withdraws, Shuts Down, “Deactivates” |
Internal Monologue | “Are they mad at me? They’re going to leave.” | “I feel suffocated. I need to get away.” |
The Push-Pull Dynamic: How Anxious & Avoidant Patterns Show Up in Relationships
When an anxious person and an avoidant person form a relationship—a very common pairing—it often creates a painful cycle known as the “anxious-avoidant trap”. This dynamic is one of the most discussed patterns in modern couples therapy, and for good reason. It can leave both partners feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and emotionally exhausted.
The cycle is a self perpetuating feedback loop fueled by opposing core fears:
- The anxious partner, fearing abandonment, seeks closeness and reassurance to feel safe.
- This pursuit of intimacy triggers the avoidant partner’s fear of engulfment, causing them to withdraw and create distance to feel safe.
- The avoidant partner’s withdrawal confirms the anxious partner’s deepest fear—that they are being abandoned—which activates their “protest behaviors” and leads them to pursue even more intensely.
- The cycle repeats, escalating with each rotation.
This isn’t just a psychological game; it’s a clash of nervous systems. The anxious partner’s system sends the signal: “I need connection to feel safe.” The avoidant partner’s system sends the opposite signal: “Too much closeness feels unsafe”. This dynamic is not a sign of a lack of love. Often, both partners care for each other deeply, but their survival strategies are in direct conflict.
The work of Columbia University psychiatrist Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, has been pivotal in bringing this dynamic to public awareness. Research on relationship satisfaction, including studies from the University of Pennsylvania, consistently shows that insecure attachment styles are linked to lower relationship satisfaction and more conflict. Without intervention, this push pull dance can dominate a relationship, making both partners feel chronically insecure and disconnected.
How to Communicate: Strategies for Avoidant Partners
For those with an avoidant style, the work involves leaning into discomfort and learning that intimacy doesn’t have to mean a loss of self. Your partner’s bids for connection are not a threat, but an invitation.
- Stay Present, Don’t Shut Down: When conflict arises or your partner expresses a need for closeness, your instinct may be to withdraw. Practice staying in the conversation, even if it’s uncomfortable. If you need a break, communicate it clearly: “This is a lot for me to process. Can we take 15 minutes and then come back to this? I want to understand”.
- Offer Reassurance Proactively: Don’t wait for your anxious partner to enter a state of protest. Small, consistent gestures of reassurance can prevent their anxiety from escalating. A simple, “I’m thinking of you,” or, “I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight,” can go a long way.
- Respectfully State Your Need for Space: Your need for autonomy is valid. Frame it as a personal need, not a rejection of your partner. “I need some quiet time to recharge after work so that I can be more present with you later this evening,” is a loving way to set a boundary.
- Recognize the “Phantom Ex” Trap: If you find yourself idealizing past partners or focusing on your current partner’s flaws, recognize this as a deactivating strategy—a way to create distance. Gently bring your focus back to your current partner’s positive qualities.
Personal Stories & Study Findings
The journey from an insecure to a more secure attachment style is what psychologists call “earned security.” It is absolutely possible. A 2023 article from Brown University highlighted research showing that while attachment patterns can be stable, many adults with insecure styles go on to have happy, long-lasting relationships, and that attachment anxiety, in particular, tends to decrease with age.
Consider the story of a Calgary couple, “John and Lisa.” John’s anxious attachment meant he constantly needed reassurance, while Lisa’s avoidant style made her feel suffocated. Their evenings were tense, often ending in arguments or stony silence. Through therapy, they learned to recognize “the cycle” as the enemy, not each other. John learned to soothe his own anxiety through mindfulness, and Lisa learned to offer a quick hug or a reassuring word when she saw his anxiety rising, even when her instinct was to pull away. They created a new pattern, one built on mutual understanding and safety.
This kind of transformation is backed by science. A Harvard University study found that a strong sense of family connection during adolescence was linked to greater self-acceptance and more positive relationships in midlife, while a sense of individuation (autonomy) was linked to personal autonomy. This highlights the two core needs that the anxious-avoidant couple struggles with. Healing happens when both needs—connection and autonomy—can be safely met within the relationship.
Encouraging Professional Help for Attachment Challenges in Calgary
While self-help strategies are powerful, the support of a trained professional can accelerate healing, especially for deeply ingrained attachment patterns. For those in Calgary, seeking Calgary couples counselling attachment-focused therapy is a proactive step toward building the relationship you desire.
Therapy provides a safe, controlled environment—a secure base—where you and your partner can explore these dynamics without falling into the same destructive cycles. At CPC Clinics Calgary, our therapists are trained to guide this process with compassion and expertise.
Our clinicians, including Registered Provisional Psychologists and attachment-informed specialists, use evidence-based approaches to help individuals and couples heal. Here’s how our services can help:
- Individual Counselling: We help you explore your own attachment history, understand the origins of your patterns, and develop skills for self-regulation and emotional awareness. This is about turning your past struggles into future strengths.
- Couples Counselling: Our therapists act as a guide to help you and your partner break the anxious-avoidant cycle. We teach you how to communicate your needs effectively, de-escalate conflict, and become a secure base for one another. As one couple who attended our sessions shared, “We learned new communication techniques that improved our relationship and mental clarity”.
- Family Therapy: Because attachment patterns are often passed down through generations, we offer family therapy to help parents in Calgary communities, from Kensington to McKenzie Lake, build secure bonds with their children and create a new, healthier legacy.
Our approach is rooted in empathy and honors the unique potential within every client. We understand that reaching out can be difficult, but it’s the first step on a journey toward lasting well-being.
Ready to move from a cycle of conflict to one of connection? Discover our attachment-focused couples counselling at CPC Clinics Calgary and learn how to build a more secure bond.
Next Steps & Community Support in Calgary
Understanding the difference between anxious attachment vs avoidant attachment is more than an intellectual exercise; it’s a pathway to greater self-compassion and healthier relationships. These patterns are learned adaptations, not life sentences. By recognizing your style and that of your partner, you can begin to communicate more effectively, disrupt painful cycles, and move toward the secure, loving connection you deserve.
If you are in immediate distress or crisis, please reach out to these confidential, 24/7 local resources.
Table 2: Calgary & Alberta 24/7 Mental Health Support
Service | Contact Information | Best For |
Alberta Mental Health Help Line | 1-877-303-2642 (Toll-Free) | 24/7 confidential support, information, and referrals for mental health concerns. |
Calgary Distress Centre | 403-266-HELP (4357) (Phone/Text) | 24/7 local crisis support, emotional support, and confidential listening. |
Canada Suicide Crisis Helpline | 9-8-8 (Phone/Text) | 24/7 immediate support for anyone thinking about suicide or worried about someone else. |
211 Alberta | Dial 2-1-1 | Information and referrals to a wide range of social, health, and government services. |
Ready to build secure, healthy relationships?
The journey from insecurity to connection starts with a single step. Visit CPC Clinics Calgary’s attachment support page to learn more about our specialized individual and couples counselling. Book your free consultation today and start writing a new chapter for your relationships.
