How Do I Know If My Relationship or Marriage Needs Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy fits when a pattern repeats instead of resolving. Four patterns come up most often. The same argument returns without a decision. Emotional or physical closeness fades. Trust has been damaged. One partner quietly considers leaving. A single bad week settles nothing. The pattern does. Research also shows most couples reach therapy within about 2.68 years of a problem starting. This guide covers the evidence, the Alberta numbers, and when different support fits better.
If you or someone close to you is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
What Are the Most Common Reasons Couples Book Therapy?
Couples in therapy most often report four concerns. These are communication difficulties, emotional distance, faded physical affection, and unresolved conflicts. Marie-Michèle Boisvert and colleagues studied 108 couples entering therapy at a Montréal clinic. Their 2011 paper in The Family Journal ranked communication problems first. Emotional affection or distance came second. Current relationship issues came third. Absent physical intimacy came fourth.
Those four categories cover most of what people describe when they call a clinic. The detail underneath them varies widely.
What Do Communication Problems Actually Look Like?
Communication problems show up in three recurring forms. Arguments end the same way every time. Both partners avoid certain topics. Requests never turn into changes.
Partners often describe talking past each other. One raises a concern. The other hears an accusation. Neither feels understood by the end.
John Gottman’s research team identified four interaction patterns linked to poor relationship outcomes. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt covers eye-rolling, mockery, and sarcasm aimed at a partner’s character. Stonewalling describes withdrawing from the conversation entirely.
When Does Conflict Stop Looking Like Normal Disagreement?
Conflict shifts from ordinary to concerning on three measures. Frequency rises. Recovery takes longer. The content stops changing.
Couples who disagree about money, parenting, and housework are ordinary. Couples repeating the same fight for two years describe something else. Two questions separate the situations. Does either partner feel worse about themselves afterward? Does the argument ever reach a decision?
What Does Growing Emotional or Physical Distance Signal?
Emotional distance appears as fewer meaningful conversations, less shared planning, and a shift toward parallel lives. Partners often use the word roommates. They coordinate logistics well and share almost nothing else.
Physical distance follows a similar shape. Frequency matters less than mismatch. One partner wants more closeness. The other feels pressured. Both stop raising it. The silence then becomes a second problem, separate from the original difference.
How Does a Breach of Trust Change What Couples Need?
A breach of trust changes the work. The relationship now carries an injury as well as a pattern. Infidelity, financial dishonesty, and broken agreements about family or substance use all fall here. Therapy for these situations addresses the injury before the ongoing dynamic.
Canadian survey data shows financial dishonesty is common. Ipsos surveyed 2,500 Canadian adults for BMO in January 2024. 36% admitted they are not always truthful with their partner about finances.
Have We Waited Too Long to Start Couples Therapy?
Most couples have not waited too long. A widely repeated claim says couples wait six years before seeking help. William Doherty and colleagues tested that claim and found it unsupported. Their 2021 research note appeared in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. It surveyed 270 couples in therapy. It also surveyed 101 individuals attending therapy for relationship problems.
The average wait from problem onset to first session was 2.68 years. Most couples began within two years. The authors describe the six-year figure as poorly supported. They conclude that most couples arrive with problems still open to repair.
The practical point is short. The six-year story tells people they are already late. The data does not support that message.
Is the Real Question Distress, or Whether to Stay at All?
These are two situations, and they call for different support. Couples therapy addresses distress in a relationship both partners intend to keep. Discernment counselling addresses uncertainty about whether the relationship continues.
Boisvert’s 2011 study separated couples by what they came for. Couples seeking ambivalence resolution reported more concerns about commitment, security, and infidelity. Couples seeking relief from distress reported fewer. The authors argued that clinics should identify which mandate applies at intake.
The ambivalent group is larger than most people expect. William Doherty, Brian Willoughby, and Bruce Peterson surveyed 2,484 divorcing parents in 2011. Their paper appeared in Family Court Review. About 3 in 10 individuals expressed potential interest in reconciliation services. In 1 in 10 couples, both partners were interested.
Doherty, Steven Harris, and Katharine Wilde published a protocol for these couples in 2016. It appeared in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. They call them mixed-agenda couples, where one partner leans out and one leans in. Standard weekly therapy fits that pair poorly. A short structured process aimed at clarity fits better.
Naming this distinction early saves time. One partner may have already decided to leave. Weekly couples therapy then rarely delivers what either wanted.
When Is Couples Therapy Not the Right First Step?
Two situations call for a different starting point.
What If Safety Is a Concern?
Conjoint couples therapy carries risk when fear or coercive control is present. A partner cannot speak openly in a joint session without consequences afterward. Clinicians distinguish situational couple conflict from patterns of coercive control. That distinction changes what support fits.
Responsible practice includes screening each partner separately before joint work begins. Anyone experiencing fear or control can contact local emergency services. Provincial support lines also offer confidential help.
Could an Untreated Individual Concern Be Driving the Conflict?
Relationship conflict sometimes reflects an individual concern that has not been addressed. Examples include depression, anxiety, attention difficulties, trauma responses, and substance use. The arguments feel like relationship failure. The pattern underneath is different.
Adult ADHD offers one documented example. Research summarised by the ADHD Evidence Project links adult ADHD symptoms with lower relationship satisfaction. The same work reports more hostile conflict behaviour between partners. Household management, follow-through, and interrupted conversations become recurring flashpoints.
Individual assessment sometimes comes first. In other cases the two run in parallel. A psychologist makes that recommendation after meeting both partners. This article does not offer diagnosis or clinical advice.
How Do Predictable Life Events Affect Relationships?
Certain transitions produce measurable changes in relationship satisfaction. Two have been studied closely.
How Much Does a First Baby Change a Relationship?
A first baby produces a sudden drop in relationship satisfaction for both parents. Brian Doss and colleagues followed 218 married couples across 8 years. The team included Galena Rhoades, Scott Stanley, and Howard Markman. Their 2009 paper appeared in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Of the sample, 132 couples became parents and 86 did not.
Mothers showed a drop with an effect size of d = -0.71. Fathers showed a drop of d = -0.45. Both groups showed more negative communication after the birth. Couples without children declined too, but gradually. The change in new parents persisted through the remaining study years.
New parents often assume the strain means something is wrong with them. The research describes a common pattern with a known shape.
Why Do Canadian Couples Argue About Money?
Money conflict is widespread in Canada, and Alberta reports the highest financial stress. RBC polled 1,507 Canadians aged 25 and older in June 2024. All were in cohabiting relationships. 77% reported stress about money. 62% argue with their partner about finances. 75% disagree with their partner on financial matters.
Regional results placed Alberta highest for financial stress at 84%. Quebec was lowest at 66%.
The RBC poll also recorded a quieter pressure. 55% said they need the relationship to afford their lifestyle. 47% said they could not afford to separate. Financial constraint and relationship dissatisfaction often occur together. Those couples describe feeling stuck rather than choosing to stay.
Do Couples Have to Be in Crisis to Book Therapy?
No. James Cordova and colleagues tested a brief preventive format called the Marriage Checkup. Their 2014 randomised controlled trial ran in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. It enrolled 215 married couples across two years. Couples attended assessment and feedback visits a year apart.
The trial recorded gains in intimacy, with effect sizes of .20 to .55. Felt acceptance and relationship distress also improved. Bradbury and Bodenmann note that preventive programs produce smaller effects than therapy. The checkup format still gives couples a way to act early
What Does the Research Say Couples Therapy Achieves?
Controlled trials show most couples improve. Results in everyday clinic settings are more modest. Both facts belong to the same answer.
Jay Lebow and colleagues reviewed the treatment literature in 2012. Their paper appeared in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. They reported that couple therapy positively affects 70% of couples receiving treatment. That rate matches individual therapy and beats untreated control groups.
Meta-analytic figures add detail. Marina Rathgeber and colleagues pooled 33 randomised controlled trials covering 2,730 participants. Their 2019 paper appeared in the same journal. Post-treatment effect sizes reached g = 0.60 overall. Emotionally focused couple therapy reached g = 0.73. Behavioural couple therapy reached g = 0.53. Effects at six months fell to g = 0.44. The authors flagged possible publication bias.
Long-term randomised data comes from Andrew Christensen’s team at UCLA. Their 2010 paper followed 134 seriously distressed married couples for 5 years. Therapy ran roughly 8 months. The paper appeared in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 50.0% of the integrative behavioural couple therapy group showed marked improvement in satisfaction. The traditional behavioural couple therapy group reached 45.9%. Separation or divorce affected 25.7% and 27.9% respectively.
Thomas Bradbury and Guy Bodenmann reviewed the field for Annual Review of Clinical Psychology in 2020. They reported reliable improvement for 60% to 72% of couples in controlled trials. Community practice produced smaller effects, around d = 0.45 to 0.50. They also reported that about half of couples in applied settings do not complete treatment.
Bradbury and Bodenmann add one more observation. Couples who stand to benefit most are often the least likely to seek help.
That last number carries the most practical weight. Completion separates the couples who improve from those who do not. Booking a first session and attending a course of sessions are different commitments. No clinic can promise an outcome, and CPC Clinics does not.
What If Only One Partner Wants to Attend?
One partner declining is common, and the reasons are documented. Kyle Parnell and Joseph Hammer surveyed 292 adult men in relationships of at least six months. Their 2018 paper appeared in Psychology of Men and Masculinity. Men endorsing self-reliance and emotional control held more negative attitudes toward couple therapy. They also reported lower intention to attend. About 33% of that sample had previously attended couple or marriage counselling.
The finding points at beliefs rather than indifference. Reluctance often tracks an expectation of being blamed or judged.
Three approaches respond to that reluctance. Describing the first session in concrete terms removes some uncertainty. Attending individually gives one partner a place to work on their own contribution. The third reframes the appointment around a specific decision. That changes what the reluctant partner is being asked to agree to.
How Common Is Relationship Breakdown in Alberta?
Alberta has the second highest divorce rate among Canadian provinces and territories. Statistics Canada published a fifty-year review of Canadian divorce in March 2022. Averaged across 2016 to 2020, Alberta recorded about 10 divorces per 1,000 married persons. Yukon ranked higher at 13. Newfoundland and Labrador ranked lower at 6.
National figures give the wider picture. Canada recorded 42,933 divorces in 2020, the lowest count since 1973. The average marriage lasted 15.3 years before divorce in 2020, up from 12.5 years in 1980. The average age at divorce rose to roughly 46.
Marriage is also not the only arrangement in question. The 2021 Census recorded 23% of Canadian couples living common law. That is the highest share in the G7. In Alberta the figure was 16.7%. Alberta law recognises many of these partners as adult interdependent partners.
Couples therapy does not require a marriage certificate. Dating couples, common-law partners, adult interdependent partners, and married couples attend for the same reasons. Couples Counselling & Therapy at CPC Clinics works with all of them.
What Happens at a First Couples Counselling Appointment?
A first appointment at CPC Clinics starts with a joint conversation. Both partners describe what brings them in. Time with each partner separately follows. The separate portion lets each person describe their own history privately. It also supports responsible screening before joint work begins.
The Psychologist then discusses which approach fits. Couples Counselling & Therapy draws on four approaches. These are emotionally focused therapy and the Gottman Method. Cognitive behavioural couples therapy and solution-focused therapy also feature. Zarrin Tasneem, Murray Molohon, Lara Palset, and Marggie Marks work with couples at the clinic.
Sessions run in person at the Macleod Trail location and virtually anywhere in Alberta. CPC Clinics offers direct billing with a number of insurance providers. Coverage terms differ by plan. Each plan sets its own rules about practitioner designation and session limits.
Access matters here. The Canadian Institute for Health Information reported a wait-time figure for 2024 to 2025. Only half of those referred to community mental health counselling received care within 30 days. CIHI also reported a 2024 access figure. 41% of adults living with mental health conditions described unmet care needs.
What Should Couples Take From All of This?
Four points summarise the evidence.
- Patterns matter more than incidents when assessing a relationship.
- Most couples reach therapy within about 2.68 years of a problem starting.
- Distress and ambivalence call for different kinds of support.
- Completion of treatment separates couples who improve from those who do not.
Anyone weighing these questions can book through Psychological & Counselling Services in Calgary at CPC Clinics. The team offers in-person and virtual appointments across Alberta.
What Else Do Couples Ask Before Booking Therapy?
Is it too late for couples therapy if we have struggled for years?
Length of struggle alone does not settle it. Doherty and colleagues found couples had struggled 2.68 years on average before therapy. The authors concluded most arrive with resolvable problems. Christensen’s 5-year study enrolled couples described as chronically and seriously distressed. Around half showed marked improvement in satisfaction at follow-up.
How long does couples therapy usually take?
Research trials give the clearest anchor. Christensen’s 2010 randomised trial delivered roughly 8 months of therapy before follow-up. Length in practice depends on the presenting concerns and the goals both partners set. Attendance also affects it. A Psychologist discusses expected length after the first appointment.
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
Lebow and colleagues reported in 2012 that couple therapy positively affects 70% of couples in treatment. Bradbury and Bodenmann reported reliable improvement for 60% to 72% in controlled trials. Community practice produced smaller effects. At 5 years, Christensen’s team recorded marked improvement for 50.0% in one arm. The other arm reached 45.9%.
Does couples therapy work if only one partner attends?
Individual sessions address one partner’s own patterns, decisions, and responses. They do not replicate joint work on the interaction between two people. Parnell and Hammer’s 2018 study found men endorsing self-reliance held more negative views. Those are specific beliefs a therapist can address.
What is discernment counselling and how does it differ from couples therapy?
Discernment counselling is a short structured process for couples where one partner is unsure about continuing. Doherty, Harris, and Wilde described the protocol in 2016 for mixed-agenda couples. Couples therapy works toward change within a relationship both partners intend to keep. Discernment counselling works toward a clear decision.
Does insurance cover couples counselling in Alberta?
Provincial health plans do not fund private-practice couples counselling. Extended health benefit plans commonly reimburse services from regulated practitioners. Accepted designations vary by insurer. Session limits, annual maximums, and reimbursement rates are set by each plan. Confirming coverage directly with the insurer before booking gives the clearest answer.
Can common-law and unmarried couples attend couples therapy?
Yes. The 2021 Census recorded 23% of Canadian couples living common law nationally and 16.7% in Alberta. Alberta law recognises many unmarried partners as adult interdependent partners. Dating couples, common-law partners, and married couples attend for the same range of concerns.
Is couples therapy appropriate when there is fear or control in the relationship?
Conjoint sessions carry risk when one partner cannot speak openly without consequences afterward. Clinicians separate situational conflict from patterns of coercive control. That distinction changes what support fits. Screening each partner individually before joint work is standard practice. Anyone in immediate danger can contact local emergency services.
What is the most common problem couples bring to therapy?
Communication difficulties rank first. Boisvert and colleagues coded open-ended reports from 108 couples entering therapy in 2011. Communication problems ranked most frequent. Emotional affection or distance, current relationship issues, and absent physical intimacy followed.
Do new parents commonly need couples therapy?
New parenthood produces a measurable drop in relationship satisfaction. Doss and colleagues tracked 218 couples across 8 years. They recorded a sudden decline after a first birth. Effect sizes reached d = -0.71 for mothers and d = -0.45 for fathers. The change persisted rather than reversing. Couples at this stage often seek support for a documented transition.
Reviewed by a registered Psychologist at CPC Clinics. This article gives general information about couples therapy. It does not constitute clinical advice, diagnosis, or a treatment recommendation.